when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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