just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it glows. i had to have it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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