I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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