I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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