A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
