Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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