She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
