I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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