this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize