I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
