I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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