Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
