Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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