how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
