your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
