listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
