I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
