dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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