I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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