I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
