I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
