I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
