hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize