Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
