Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
