I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
