i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
