How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
