I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
