amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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