My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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