seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
