quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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