my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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