i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
