im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
