I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
