I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
