Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
