Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
