If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
