Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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