im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
