even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
