i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
