This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
