I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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