afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
