I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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