My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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