I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
