No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
