I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I want is dick and wine.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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