Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
