everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
