Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
