omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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