Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
