he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
