Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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