Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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