So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
