My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
