He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
