Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
