just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
