either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
