oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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